My heart breaks with yours, much like your heart broke with mine. The history of my losses is marked by periods of numbness and surprise. Joy’s common response was “Why am I not surprised?” Somehow we used our opposing twins to give each other enough. I’m not sure where you are with the surprise question, but I do know that in all my episodes of trauma, becoming numb was something I took advantage of, and extended. Rest and breathing were my first steps. I love you Josh, thanks for believing in us.
Best of luck with this Josh, and thanks for sharing and making yourself so vulnerable. As I was reading, I had to wonder about how I might do similar things in my relationships, and how especially when I was younger, I think I did. Probably a lot of us project our needs onto others.
Josh, this might be yet another cry for help, but it's so much different than the previous ones. To come to a point where you have this clarity, where you can identify what the problem is and set an intention and direction you want to achieve, isn't a small feat at all. I know because I was there, also with a background of childhood trauma and a constant need to be saved.
You did a massive, massive thing here. Be proud of yourself for taking this step and keep going. And make writing a part of your healing - ain't nothing like spitting it all out on the paper! Sometimes it really helps to see our own words and come back to them later.
I’ve been thinking lately that our cries are messages to ourselves. They keep coming until we get it. They come up for air in ways you’ve so beautifully described from a depth of pain that feels no bottom, a sort of spinning around the entrance of a vortex. The trauma is so heavy that surfacing feels like a gasping for breath before we are pulled down again. Maybe it takes a lifetime to shed the dead weight from childhood until we can at least float and hear the message. Your dedicated path to healing and helping others is inspiring. Thank you for sharing, Josh.
My heart breaks with yours, much like your heart broke with mine. The history of my losses is marked by periods of numbness and surprise. Joy’s common response was “Why am I not surprised?” Somehow we used our opposing twins to give each other enough. I’m not sure where you are with the surprise question, but I do know that in all my episodes of trauma, becoming numb was something I took advantage of, and extended. Rest and breathing were my first steps. I love you Josh, thanks for believing in us.
Best of luck with this Josh, and thanks for sharing and making yourself so vulnerable. As I was reading, I had to wonder about how I might do similar things in my relationships, and how especially when I was younger, I think I did. Probably a lot of us project our needs onto others.
This is so honest and vulnerable, Josh -- and what an epiphany -- I wish you well on the path of not hurting anyone, especially yourself.
Josh, this might be yet another cry for help, but it's so much different than the previous ones. To come to a point where you have this clarity, where you can identify what the problem is and set an intention and direction you want to achieve, isn't a small feat at all. I know because I was there, also with a background of childhood trauma and a constant need to be saved.
You did a massive, massive thing here. Be proud of yourself for taking this step and keep going. And make writing a part of your healing - ain't nothing like spitting it all out on the paper! Sometimes it really helps to see our own words and come back to them later.
You can do this.
I’ve been thinking lately that our cries are messages to ourselves. They keep coming until we get it. They come up for air in ways you’ve so beautifully described from a depth of pain that feels no bottom, a sort of spinning around the entrance of a vortex. The trauma is so heavy that surfacing feels like a gasping for breath before we are pulled down again. Maybe it takes a lifetime to shed the dead weight from childhood until we can at least float and hear the message. Your dedicated path to healing and helping others is inspiring. Thank you for sharing, Josh.