I just sent off my next round of notes on the latest draft agreement to the mediators. “No-fault” divorce 2025. What a cosmic fucking joke. I could write a book about this experience and perhaps I will. I’ve already started something and we’ll see where it takes me. I’m conjuring the restless spirit of Spuddy Gray, one of my literary heroes. Spalding appeared to have no issue with transparency and expressing his truth, perhaps even at the expense of those in his relational spheres. I wonder what was off-limits to him. I admired his rawness, his willingness to share himself on-stage. I too am interested in telling my story honestly, fully and without a shred of self-censorship.
Recently, in San Francisco, I saw my friend Hend Ayoub perform her show, Home? A Palestinian Woman's Pursuit of Life, Liberty and Happiness. I was aware of certain aspects of her story and am certainly acutely focused on the real-time genocide taking place. I wrote the following to a friend who runs a theater company in hopes they might consider mounting the show:
“I think it’s important to get this message out and Hend’s story is a compelling one. The production and performance were excellent (could maybe use a few more bells and whistles which, of course, requires money). I’m torn - on one level there was a bit of what I’d call soft-pedaling going on, catering to a sensitive white liberal elite audience. So I wonder if hitting the subject matter a little harder would serve the piece better in order to get the message across and make the audience squirm, taking them out of their comfort zone. The autobiographical elements work well but what was most compelling is how Hend ultimately comes to the realization that even though she keeps getting placed a box as an Arab actor what she wants most is to be true to herself and her art which, to me, is clearly a political act in and of itself. I think it’s an important piece to get out there to audiences.”
After the show Hend asked me if I learned anything new. I did learn a lot about her personal history but as for what's happening in Gaza and the history of the occupation, I was an informed audience member. On the other hand, my uncle, who came with me, wasn’t even aware of the word Nakba so he learned a lot from the play. My daughter, who’s 20, felt the play could have been a little more hard hitting. Both perspectives are valid but even so I’m still torn. On one hand it’s crucial to reach people who still believe that "Israel has the right to defend itself" or "if only Hamas released the hostages" or even "Israel has the right to exist"... what's come to be known as Israel apologia. And, of course, there are the people who still refuse to call what's happening a genocide. Perhaps Hend’s approach is to start a conversation in order to get people to listen. Telling personal stories is an effective way to do that. The details of her life pulled me in and contextualized the political through the personal. That’s good storytelling.
In retrospect, I’m furious that soft-pedaling is even a discussion point. What’s the problem with Hend putting it all out there, the full catastrophe? In the theater, things used to be no holds barred. There were no limits placed on the comfort of the audience. Now it seems like we’ve entered an era where stories are only presented that appeal to boards and corporate sponsors, catering to sensitivity and safety or, dare I say it, propaganda and mind control. I want to be taken out of my comfort zone when I enter the artspace. What we have now is authoritarian censorship in the arts. In fact, art may simply be dead. Even in my day to day existence, I never used to censor myself as much as I do now. Have things gotten so precious? It’s paralyzing. I wish Hend felt free to throw it all in our faces, the full fucking catastrophe, intead of admittedly soft-pedaling in hopes that theater producers, like my friend, will add the play to their board-approved season roster. I prefer a trip down a Reza Abdoh Dar a Luz rabbit hole any day to another safe adventure in the land of liberal woke claustrophobic severence.
I miss the days where if someone pissed you off, you told them straight up how you felt. Now, it’s this sensitivity dance where you can get accused of virtually anything. Everything can be reduced to a trauma experience. Hend asked me for my honest opinion about the piece and told me she was “thick-skinned” giving me permission to let it rip. I found this interesting because she grew up as a Palestinian in Israel so goddamned right she adapted to a thick skinned existence. Context. Some people find roller coasters exhilarating and some are terrified. On some level, most people simply demand comfort and avoid conflict at all costs. To me, this breeds a society of children disguised as adults. I would like to tell someone they are pissing me off and vice versa without the sky falling. And that brings me to Gaza.
It’s clear as day that fence-riding about a genocide is a sign of insane thinking. There’s no reason to hesitate calling out the empire managers who are feeding us an endless stream of disorienting confusing rhetoric in order to keep us complacent. If it’s too uncomfortable to see babies burned, mutilated and shredded daily then it’s time to grow the fuck up. The sad truth is that most people would rather hide behind their cloaks of invisibility than confront reality. And it’s not about voting for the right people or considering both sides, it’s about seeing this for what it is, that we’re being played by powerful people who want to steal more land for their own interests. In fact, it’s not even necessarily about Zionism, it’s about straight up theft and amassing more wealth. These motherfuckers don’t give a shit about ideology, they only care about possession. And what’s also happening simultaneously is they are attempting to possess our mental and perceptual sovereignty, our sacred brainspace.
Artists need to throw down. And curators of art need to re-open the borders and get their minds off commerce. I salute Hend for her attempt to tell her truth. We all need to be doing that. We all need to become aware of our own conflict avoidant behavior. Pretty soon this platform is going to fail. That’s why I decided to build a stage on my property so at the very least, freedom of expression can live on in my tiny corner of the world. Hope I’m able to pull it off. I’m committed to standing in my truth, eschewing the mind-numbing allure of AI, and pursuing a creative life again after years of accommodating a growing epidemic of sensitivity and anger management. I used to say the greatest humility is taking responsibility. If you break glass, then clean it the fuck up, don’t avoid the shards. We need to wipe our own asses and hold each other accountable for spreading our shit around. Perhaps it starts with calling out those who are still walking around in diapers.
💚🧕
I am with you. I would like to see what performance you make.