Break the Endless Cycle of Violence

A few thoughts for a Sunday morning.

I wonder how many of us are holding on very hard to some piece of personal history that is preventing us from moving on with our lives, and keeping us from those we love. I wonder how many of us cling so tenaciously to a version of a story of our lives in which we appear to be utterly blameless and innocent, that we become oblivious to the pain we have inflicted on others, no matter how unconsciously or inevitably or innocently we have have inflicted it. I wonder how many of us are terrified of acknowledging the truth of our lives because we think it will expose us. How many of us stand paralyzed between the moon and the sun; frozen — unable to act in the moment — because of our terror of the past and because of the intractability of the present circumstances that past has wrought? Forgiveness, it has been said, means giving up our hopes for a better past. This may sound like a joke, but how many of us refuse to give up our version of the past, and so find it impossible to forgive ourselves or others, impossible to act in the present?"

~From Alan Lew’s book, This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared

Amends.

One of the results of my own cycle of abuse (violence) is that I have caused pain to others in the form of verbal abuse – yelling, berating, belittling, shaming, all aspects of projecting, essentially blaming others instead of taking responsibility for my actions. I’ve lied to myself about my defects of character. I’ve been unable to own hurtful actions. I’ve rationalized and defended poor choices. I’ve used my childhood trauma as an excuse. I’ve held secrets by compartmentalizing. I’ve been unable to see those closest to me, hear them, respect them, honor them, comfort them because I’ve never fully trusted myself so held them responsible for my suffering. In the name of healing, of breaking the cycle, I own all of it.

Awareness.

For me, there is no going back. I am only interested in committing to the process of growing up, being a better man, softening with humility and making living amends, all with the ultimate goal of serenity. Catastrophic events in our personal lives and world crises have the potential of bringing forth awareness. We can then embrace the courage to open up the floodgates and let everything move through. This is a challenge and a choice.

Acceptance.

As for what’s happening in the Middle East, let’s be honest, we've all seen this movie before, it’s another 9/11 moment, “you’re either with us or with the terrorists”. That crisis didn’t lead to any awareness or acceptance, it led to exponentially more of the same violence in the ongoing “war on terror”. Sometimes we get jolted awake by events like what's happening now in Gaza. The problem is the jolt can then easily lead us right back into the cycle of violence. Acceptance can be described as opening the heart in kindness to self and others, especially to one’s own reactivity (or vengeance). It’s important to realize that this doesn’t mean capitulating, condoning, or agreeing with our own or others behavior. Acceptance is giving ourselves a positive way to work with our own reactivity. For me, this has been helpful - knowing that I can self-observe and start to see wisdom in every situation. It’s information that can help me to be the kind of person I aspire to be, remaining open instead of shutting down or blaming myself or others when difficult situations occur.

Action.

Action requires that we not only look at what our patterns of thought, emotion and behavior are, it informs us that we can actually do something about it. The result is embracing the choices we can make in a different way than we have in the past in order to produce a different outcome. Action is a choice. If we arrive here through awareness and acceptance, we then have a better chance to identify older patterns of behavior and choose to move towards breaking our own cycle of abuse or violence.

Complicity.

In considering the patterns of my own cycle of early childhood abuse and violence, when I make poor choices, I often feel bad about them, beat myself up, act out on those closest to me in anger or blame, feel bad about that, beat myself up again and repeat. Fortunately, I have adopted some strategies to break the cycle. These consist of listening, looking, being present, practicing non-reactivity, discerning between the dark thoughts that arise from the cycle of abuse (the past) and the ones emerging from present moment awareness, making healthier choices and refraining (whenever possible) from making a case for or against. I attempt to engage with others and myself from a place of softness, kindness, respect, gentleness and love. When I'm clicking on all these cylinders of awareness, I generally feel okay and notice that those around me are more at ease. When I veer off the path, the sensors go off and I can then choose to re-adjust. It’s a practice. It starts from the inner and works outward.

We are not alone.

Seems to me that most of us have a cycle of abuse we are struggling with. I can walk down the street here in New York City and see it all around me. Parents yelling at their kids, road rage, mental illness, extreme poverty, depression, anxiety, alienation, isolation, fear and on and on. The movie of the past is likely playing in the minds of everyone, resulting in some form of suffering in our families, in our communities and therefore in the world.

Sundays.

Sunday mornings have become a time of contemplation for me. I just returned from a walk in the park with my dog, Chico. Few folks were out, the trees, flowers and plants were still saturated with yesterday's rain. I had Martin Shaw's weekly "Liturgy of the Wild" in my ears, perfectly timed with the loop. Chico sniffed every leaf, every post and I had to urge him along the paths. At one point, I was overtaken with sorrow for our world and by the time I reached home, was barely able to breathe. I cannot describe what happened exactly because I'm so used to tuning it all out. Something broke I suppose. It became too much. I suppose it has to do with a deep, deep sense of what the hell are we all doing. As I was listening to Martin Shaw he quoted this bit from Brendan Lehane's description of Irish monks arriving in new lands:

"Into an atmosphere of fear and deception walked bands of Irish with a clear and unequivocal sense of purpose. That purpose had nothing whatsoever to do with vendettas or luxury of making money or winning territory; little with emaciating themselves into scrawny and impotent worshippers of a far-removed god. Worship came first, but good worship presupposed good health. They revived long-term farming methods on the land they took over. With the product they fed themselves, gave free provisions to the needy, and sold the rest to expand their activities…they showed how to order things for the best in circumstances that were far from good. And in their dealings with people showed little fear or favour to rich or poor…"

Is it possible the only reason we don't notice what's truly going on around us (ecocide, warmongering, starvation sanctions, destroying social safety nets, increasing wealth disparity, crushing austerity and unconsciously bending to the will of the powerful) is because we're getting used to it? I don't have any clear answers, only a few guiding principles as mentioned above in these musings. I don't know what to do with the big feelings that are coming up around the state of the world, the state of humanity. Perhaps though, instead of internalizing them, I've decided to bring them forth, taking off the chloroform mask at least temporarily, getting uncomfortable with it all for the sake of clarity. Today I soldier on and hopefully become a better human for it. Maybe that's my intention for this Sunday morning. Maybe that's all I can do for now.

Thomas Merton said this:

“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.”

I pray for serenity and peace.