SHAME

An investigation.

for telling the truth

for lying

for keeping secrets

for trying

for failing

for feeling joy

for feeling grief

for feeling fear

for feeling anger

for feeling

for asking

for telling

for doing things wrong

for doing things right

for doing more

for doing less

for doing nothing

for doing

for giving

for keeping

for falling apart

for pulling it together

for needing

for wanting

for desiring

for pleading

for living

for dying

for pain

for suffering

for healing

for whatever

for whenever

for however

for wherever

for whoever

for longing to change

for longing to heal

for longing

Shame, at its core, is a measuring stick of self-worth. Shame is the act of hiding from ourselves and others because we are too afraid of evaluation. Shame keeps us hidden from ourselves. Shame is a stake through the heart. Shame throws us into the flames even if there’s an opportunity to dance around them. Shame begets more shame. It keeps us in line. Shame is the dividing line between guilt and forgiveness, between owning-up and self-immolation.

Shame happens along a spectrum and, on one end, it’s often huge and life crushing but even more often it’s simply that we don’t measure up. This can manifest in the subtlest of ways – a joke that goes flat during a conversation, later thinking to ourselves, ‘why did I say that?’ Or on the other end of the spectrum, that sheer sense of loneliness and isolation when we feel we don’t even deserve to be human. The feeling that there is something deeply wrong and perhaps cannot be fixed.

But.

Shame is also an invitation to walk through the door towards a life we want – worthy of love. The felt-sense that we don’t measure up may actually be an opportunity to carry our responsibilities with an acute awareness of our present set of circumstances, leading us onto a new path, often with uncertainty.

And.

If we want that doorway to open up, we may have to feel, even remotely, even the teeniest tiniest bit, that there may in fact be a place in the world for us where we actually deserve serenity and joy.

So.

Shame might, in fact, be a powerful messenger, reminding us that we want, and deserve, change. Reminding us that we deserve to be loved.

I’ve probably felt shame somewhere along the spectrum every day of my life. How about you?