Mumbles and Gangli

Travel through Spain.

One.

Mumbles Defendo and Gangli Projecto en route from Cadaques to Madrid in a rental car. Mumbles is driving.

M: These roads are tricky, I have to concentrate on all the loops and speed limits, it’s exhausting. Just sit there an enjoy yourself Gangli while I do all the hard work. Oh Christ, another speed bump. And there’s an asshole tailgating me —

G: Wow, look at that view Mumbles! (points across Mumbles face)

M: Don’t do that! Do you want me to veer off the road and kill us both? Ya dumb shit ya!

G: It was a useless pointless risk. We could have been killed. It wasn’t fun at all.

M: I said that, stop taking credit for my bon mots.

G: I was proud of you back there.

M: Where?

G: At the gas station. You seemed like a real human being trying to help that woman.

M: That’s condescending.

G: What’s condescending about saying I’m proud of you?

M: Think about it. What is there to be proud of?

G: I thought you were being very kind.

M: That’s also a condescending comment.

G: It was almost a relief that you were being kind.

M: Why? Because I'm always so horrible? Is that what you’re implying? That would make it a nasty remark.

G: I think she actually liked you. That was surprising. It means maybe you’re learning how to be more social. That’s a good thing.

M: Thank you. I'll try to do everything I can from now on to make you proud.

G: I think she even winked at you.

M: Wait, let me reach out to the Airbnb guy and ask for more advice. Maybe he’ll suggest another crappy restaurant or better yet one that’s closed.

G: Probably more shitty paella.

M: Or he'll say shut the fuck up. Leave me alone…

G: No, he’ll say it was a pleasure serving you! Please make sure to give me a good review. Five stars.

M: I will aspire to be more like you. Like when you tried to help that woman in the museum and she told you to fuck off.

G: That was on the Metro. She was having a bad moment.

M: And you made it worse. She clearly didn’t want your help. Or the scene at the bike accident when you tried to “help”.

G: That was awful. I hope that poor guy is okay.

M: He’s probably dead.

Gangli gets upset and starts waving his arms around.

G: Are you implying I killed him?

M: Yeah, you’re quite the role model.

G: (pointing at Mumbles) At least I give a shit! You’re a nasty motherfucker!

M: You’re like a mass of exposed ganglia. I’m not being nasty, you’re just being overly sensitive. And you were suffering so much when that guy vaulted over that car and hit the sidewalk I almost felt sorry for you.

Gangli goes silent.

M: I should throw away all these shirts.

G: Why, because nothing you wear ever fits you? Like your hideous raincoat that’s four sizes too large?

M: Fuck you. I get my clothes at the yard sale in Jingletown and they don’t always fit.

G: Jingletown? Is that a real place?

M: It’s on Clay Street. It’s where the big white elephant sale is.

G: Is it a white elephant sale or a yard sale?

M: It’s a white elephant zoo.

G: I don’t think Jingletown is a real place.

M: Google it.

G: You’re being serious? What part of Oakland is it in?

M: I don’t know, east, west, north, south. One of those directions. It’s south of Jack London, near Alameda.

G: I went with you one time I think. Didn’t you buy a toaster that didn’t work?

M: I haven’t bought anything like that for a long time.

G: Maybe you bought a set of golf clubs.

M: For my big golfing tournament.

G: Do you golf?

M: No.

G: You’d like to want to golf.

M: Gil wants me to.

G: Golfing with Gil.

M: That would make a good sitcom. Oh, you used the wrong iron, you stupid asshole. Seven and half hours to go.

G: Seven and half hours of hell with Mumbles and Gangli. Oooh, he’s waving his hands! He’s apoplectic! Oh, now he’s pointing! I’ve got him now! I’ve really got him this time! He’s completely triggered! Let’s see what happens! It will be just like the old days on the schoolyard when I used to bully those little kids!

M: That’s good.

G: I feel so good about myself because those kids used to make fun of me all the time.

M: It’s always good to tell people about yourself so they have ammunition and can use it against you. Thank you. Thank you for reinforcing some of my negative stereotypes.

G: That's a good line. Thank you for reinforcing my negative stereotypes. That’s good. That's a pretty major insult.

M: It actually applies more to Ken than you.

G: Really?

M: Yep.

G: Oh, that's a compliment then. It means I don't have as many stereotypes as Ken.

M: I'm not measuring.

G: I'm not so stereotypical, that’s nice.

M: You’re uniquely stereotypical.

G: I don't even know what that means but thanks.

M: You are a genus and species all of your own.

G: Thank you.

M: You have your own set of unique stupid quirks.

G: Ah, unique stupidity.

M: Stupidities. I’ll be plural on that one.

G: Does that mean I’m like you?

M: No one’s like me.

G: That’s true, you’re also a unique set of stupidities.

M: A unique set of stereotypical properties.

G: Whoa, watch out!

M: I'm gonna run into this other car to shut you up. I figure if I smash you against the dashboard, that'll crush your windpipe.

G: But then you’ll have to clean up the blood.

M: That's true.

G: Did you bring paper towels?

M: Wait, let me contact the rental agency and see if I’m responsible for bloody messes.

G: Well, you did overpay for insurance.

M: I did. Maybe the insurance company will scrape off the grey matter. Oh look at that! Let’s look at the scenery instead of arguing. ‘OK let's’.

G: Wow, look at that. It's beautiful.

M: It is. Take a picture, it lasts longer. Hahaha.

G: What's the name of those mountains?

M: Fuckface Hills.

G: Oh yeah, Fuckface Hills. It’s not on the map.

M: The hills of Cadaques.

G: Actually it does sort of look like a fuck face. A fuck face lying and looking up at the clouds.

M: Wow, I should paint a painting and get famous and build a beautiful house here.

G: You’d fit right in.

M: Thank you.

G: You’d probably become mayor of Fuckace Hills.

M: I’m getting a cramp in my hand.

G: You know the last six minutes felt like 12 hours.

M: That was one of my ideas for extending a vacation. If you only get two weeks vacation, just sit there and look at a clock. That way time will appear to go slowly.

G: You know what I'm gonna do tonight?

M: Sleep?

G: Come on, try to be more insulting.

M: I can’t.

G: Oh, now that you're on the spot, you can't insult me?

M: That’s right, you’re beneath contempt. Ow.

G: What’s the matter with your hand?

M: I have a cramp.

G: That’s because you were so apoplectic trying to imitate me earlier.

M: There you go using big words again.

G: You injured yourself trying to insult me.

M: Do you even know what that word means?

G: Apoplectic?

M: Oh god, my wrist.

G: Should we pull over?

M: No, but my fingers are locked into the Vulcan salute. See?

G: Did you take your Advil?

M: Look at that.

G: What?

M: Forget it, I won’t tell you to look at anything any more. This trip is boring.

G: I’m going to sleep then.

M: Good. I’ll just wallow in self-pity.

Two.

Mumbles is still driving. Gangli is making an annoying sound with his tongue trying to recreate the resonance that happens when a window is open in a moving car. Mumbles joins in.

M: Now you got me doing it.

G: It’s interesting how that creates this weird meta resonance.

M: Inside a car it’s called a Helmholtz resonator.

G: What’s that?

M: Listen to this.

Mumbles hums one octave higher.

M: Notice how the resonance reoccurs at exactly twice the frequency. I do this in showers and bathrooms to see how many octaves I can go up and still maintain resonance.

G: I ask you a simple question and you give me a fucking dissertation.

M: Sorry, I figured I’d raise your level of intelligence from cro magnon to neanderthal. I guess that’s impossible. If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d recognize how amazing the phenomenon is.

Gangli waves his arms again.

G: You don’t have to be such an asshole, I just thought you told me I was being meta.

M: You said you were thinking about thinking so I said that’s meta thinking. But I don’t even know if you’re capable of thinking at all.

Gangli makes the noise again.

G: I thought you said meta resonance. Is meta resonance even a thing?

M: Meta is sort of like a recursive thing. Do you know what recursive is?

G: No.

M: It’s like fuck you, fuck you. I cursed and then I recursed. Recursive means to repeat. I don’t know why I even need to tell you that.

Gangli makes the noise.

M: It’s a programming technique where you make a test and if the test fails or succeeds you do the thing again hence the term recursive.

G: Isn’t everything recursive on some level?

M: Well —

G: Am I getting too philosophical for you now?

M: Yeah. And I don’t agree anyway. But there are things that repeat themselves.

G: Like history?

M: Uh huh.

G: Why do you think that happens?

M: Because God wants it to.

G: Does God want us to learn from our mistakes?

M: It’s proof that people don’t learn from their mistakes. That’s why they repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Gangli makes the noise again. Mumbles joins in.

Three.

Mumbles and Gangli in a hotel room in Madrid. Mumbles is looking for Kleenex to wipe his nose.

G: So you were just insulting me about my attire, go on.

M: No, I was just saying that’s maybe why the concierge was less than forthcoming with us.

G: You called him the maitre d’ before.

M: Whatever, I don’t know what he’s called. Whoever’s in charge of the desk. The desk jockey.

G: So you’re blaming me for the desk jockey’s behavior?

M: I’m not blaming anyone. I was saying WE look like a couple of schlubs.

G: As I pointed out, I was wearing a Hugo Boss sports jacket and you wear hand-me-downs from Jingletown.

M: And as I said, there are lots of homeless people who wear nice looking sports jackets and they walk around and sleep on the street so big deal. Anyway end of story, el storio finito. We’re here and now we have to get bus and metro tickets.

G: Why do you want to get bus and metro tickets? It’s a walking city. You can get across town in four or five stops. It’s a compact city or so I’ve been told.

M: All the more reason to take the bus.

G: So what do you want to do?

M: Get bus and metro tickets.

G: And then what?

M: I want to go the Prado, is that within walking distance?

G: Yes, but let’s take the bus.

M: Blah blah blah.

G: You know, I think twisting and prying is what you're good at.

M: Thank you. I think one should always do what one is good at. However, all I really want to do is blow my nose!

G: I'm sorry there's no Kleenex. They don't seem to believe in the Kleenex around here. Or washcloths.

M: I know. They live a very simple lifestyle.

G: They eat tapas. They dance and sing. And never shall they blow their noses.

M: They actually just blow it in the street. They do this number —

Mumbles demonstrates blowing snot out of his nose onto the floor.

G: They just shoot out a big looger?

M: Yeah. I forget what they call it. It's not a missile —

G: Snot rocket.

M: I was close.

G: So you slept like a rat?

M: I slept pretty well.

G: Did you sleep perchance to dream?

M: Aye, there’s the rub. For in that dream of sleep. I don't know what comes next. I don't think that's right.

G: Just make it up.

M: In that sleep of death, I feel like an asshole. I lost all my socks, I must have left them back at the other place.

G: For in that sleep of death he hath lost all his socks!

M: O woe for me, I hath lost my socks.

G: And someday he shall… I don't know. Find them, again in Elysium!

M: Did you hear all the yelling last night?

G: I thought that was you snoring. And farting.

M: It was. Fucking people were up til five in the morning.

G: What were they yelling about, do you know?

M: They were having fun.

G: They weren't protesting?

M: Yeah. Protesting. The Republic, ‘Republica sum’. Whatever that means.

G: I'm glad you didn't slip in the shower.

M: Well, thank you for the warning because I was very careful getting out. I opened the door to a new experience. I opened the door, and I, what? I don't know. I just was very careful.

G: It was a little slippery. I almost fell.

Gangli lies back on the bed and looks through his photos.

M: Um yeah. slippery. Mommy. I really can't figure out what I did with my socks because I had like four pairs… oh shut up, you’re busy looking at your phone.

Mumbles says something under his breath, mumbling if you will.

G: What have you got to say Mumbles? Come on, Mumbles, stop mumbling. You have my full attention now..

M: I know you’re doing important work on your goddamn phone.

G: I’m just looking through all the beautiful photos I took.

M: I had coins. I had Euro coins and I I don't know what I did with them.

G: Did they fall out of your pants?

M: No, they didn't. I don't think so.

G: Did you have them in your coin purse? Maybe you put them in one of your missing socks.

M: No, they were in my pocket, but I vaguely remember taking them out and putting them somewhere, you know, like oh, I don't wanna put these in my pocket. I'll put them here, then they’ll be safe. Now I’ve lost my shoehorn. What little there is of it. Oh, no, here it is, right in my shoe.

G: Your shoe horn is disintegrating.

Mumbles imitates a horn doing the Ride of the Valkyries.

M: Shoe horn? Never mind.

G: Well that’s a happy peppy tune for the morning.

M: That was a wake up call for you motherfucker.

G: I definitely need a wake up call. Look, I took a nice picture of a bidet. What did you do on your trip? I cleaned my asshole.

M: Let me ask you this, did you use it? It’s nice isn’t it.

G: I did! Did you use it?

M: Of course.

G: You need a washcloth for it I think, which of course no one in Europe will ever provide.

M: No, you just rinse it and sometimes they have the towel you're supposed to use hanging next to the bidet. I read a whole thing about how to use it. I have one in Oakland. It's not a separate one, but it's right in the bowl. It's called a Tushy.

G: It's very civilized. The French knew what they were doing.

M: They described it as, you know, like if you were to grab a piece of shit with your hands, and then, you know, eww, would you just wipe it off with paper? No, you'd wanna wash it, right? So, what about your butt?

G: I know, I always think of that when I wipe my ass, actually.

M: You do? That’s pretty weird.

G: Yeah, it's so gross as it is. I will often go to the sink and just get some water and wash my ass.

M: Well you should get a bidet. Maybe I’ll buy you one. Christmas is coming.

G: A Tushy?

M: Yeah, you just have to disconnect the water feed and then you hook this thing up like in a T and they give you the T, you know. So it's just goes right into where the fill valve is and there's a little hose that goes out.

G: Wow, I didn't even realize such a thing exists in the marketplace!

M: Yeah, and you would think, oh God, that's cold water. I don't wanna put cold water in my ass. But you'll know, you'll learn that it really doesn't matter.

G: I used cold water this morning.

M: You should have taken advantage of the warm water feature.

G: I didn't realize I could.

M: Anyway, it doesn’t make much of a difference. In mine, it's actually a little gross, but it it shoots a real powerful stream and you can get it to actually fill your colon with water.

G: Oh, so you can do a DIY enema?

M: But if you do that, then you might experience leakage. You have to make sure it all drains out before you put your pants on or it starts dripping.

G: These are good tips. Thank you.

M: I'm trying to help my younger relations lead a better and more full life. I’m having… Well, I told you I have that mucus thing in the morning.

G: I wonder if the mucus thing is related to your swallowing thing.

M: I think it is.

G: Well, that's the kind of thing they probably wouldn't discover because here's the problem with health care —

M: Here we go.

G: They over-specialize in things and don’t look at the whole system.

M: Right and they would also say, that has nothing to do with xyz because they've seen it in the books, and oh, that swallowing issue must be GERD. Or oh, that swallowing issue is esophageal cancer, but, you know, they don't think about the process. I've noticed when it does back up and I finally get it to clear… this is probably a little disgusting… sorry to go into such detail, but when I finally get it to clear, I'll be spitting up big blobs of mucus. So I'm thinking something that gets irritated in it and then it reacts.

G: Here's what I suggest…

M: I was waiting for your ‘expert’ opinion.

G: Go to a Chinese doctor. Because they think in terms of wet dry, cold, dry, hot, wet, hot, dry. And so they're thinking of the whole body. And so the mucus is sort of a sign that the whole system needs to be rebalanced or aligned.

M: Yeah, mucus is a reaction to irritation.

G: There are herbs that will likely clear that up.

M: Herbs.

G: I'm talking about traditional Chinese medicine. Or Ayurveda.

M: What’s that?

G: That's traditional Indian medicine. Anyway, I thought you would have some sort of comment about that.

M: Why would I?

G: I don't know. Woo woo. I thought you were gonna say woo woo.

M: Woo woo, why? Why would I woo woo. Woo woo!

G: All right, let's go grab a smoothie.

M: And some bus tickets.

G: Whatever.

Four.

Mumbles and Gangli walk through Parque de El Retiro.

G: Okay, so tell me about this building.

M: It's was built in 1843, by King Fuckface.

G: Oh, hey, I thought you were King Fuckface. This was of your lineage?

M: Yeah, he was a cousin. All of our cousins were kings..

G: Right. And King Fuckface of…

M: Boogerville.

G: Is that next to Jingletown?

M: It’s next to Dingleberry Village.

G: Which is?

M: The capital of Upyourbuttswania.

Gangli does his signature laugh. Mumbles imitates him.

M: You sound like you’ve sprung a leak.

G: It’s anal leakage.

M: That actually comes out your mouth. All right, shall we continue down this path? Let me tell you where to go because then you’ll say, ‘why did we come here’?

G: Why did you make me come to this overcrowded tourist trap of a park?

M: Didn't the guidebooks tell you? Come on, look it up, take out your phone and do some research.

G: I don't even know what neighborhood we're in.

M: This is the Retiro Park.

G: I thought you haven't been here since 1968. Good memory.

M: Back when I was here, it was all dirt. There weren't as many people.

G: Well, there seems to be a lot of tourists over there. This must be where all the locals walk.

M: We’re supposed to come here and just relax.

G: I'm relaxed. I'm more relaxed than you. Why don't you relax?

M: I can't. I have a thing in my ear that keeps haranguing me.

G: What is it?

M: You.

G: The faults is with the sufferer.

M: It’s not my fault you’re so annoying.

G: I’m just being myself.

M: Then, you’re right, the fault is with the sufferer.

G: I’m suffering because this park is too crowded.

M: I always think of Rat.

G: What about rat?

M: It’s one of these comic strips I used to read.

G: And? You're relating yourself to rat.

M: One of the strips was, his therapist told him he should just relax and be himself. And so he’s standing there holding a baseball bat behind his back. He says okay, watch me be myself.

G: How sweet. I'm being myself,

M: Yeah.

G: My pathetic and horrible self, as you say.

M: Always trying to be creative.

G: Well, as Woody Allen says, there are two kinds of people in the world, the horrible and the miserable. We should be lucky that you're miserable.

M: There you go. You’re projecting again, making yourself miserable. Projecto vomitus.

G: I was talking about you.

M: I know you are but what am I?

G: I don't know.

M: La luna.

G: El sol. I think you're full of glee and joy. What’s going on Mumbles?

M: I’m actually pretty pleased right now.

G: With yourself and your witicisms?

M: No, just with my physical feeling.

G: Do you want an ice cream? I meant that literally. There’s a place to get ice cream over there.

M: No.

G: Okay.

M; There’s a line anyway. I don't do anything involves lines. Kind of like you.

G: Should we keep walking through the park that way?

M: Why do you keep asking you what we should do? Let's do what you like, wander around the city and I can complain about my back.

G: And I can whine. Let’s walk this way then.

M: ‘Oh, you're feeling bad. Oh, your back hurts. Oh, you're so tired’.

G: You took your Aleve, that’s good.

M: I did. I should haven’t taken heroin like you.

G: Well, if you could get me some, that would be great.

M: Head up, shoulders back. Eyes up, eyes open.

G: Very good. You once told me that was the best advice I ever gave you.

M: It is. Something I always forget, as you noticed because you saw me slumping down as usual.

G: I’m proud of you.

M: Jesus Christ.

G: Where are we?

M: I don’t know, I wanted to walk through the park and here we are on the street because of your anxiety about the throng. Throngs.

G: I got a little nervous. I apologize. Too many people.

M: And now we can’t even get back into the park. It’s so beautiful in there and all we can do its look at it and smell exhaust fumes because that’s what you wanted to do.

G: I was trying to avoid tourists, and maybe I like exhaust fumes.

M: That makes sense, it’s probably killed too many brain cells adding to your inferior intellect.

G: Listen, when I walk by myself I don’t give a shit about where I’m going but now I have you constantly nagging me.

M: Maybe we can walk into that tunnel and enjoy more exhaust fumes. We’re missing the best part of the park. It’s beautiful in there.

Gangli does his handwaving thing and starts pointing.

G: Do you want to backtrack so we can go back in?

M: Nope. I want to miss it all.

G: Now, you’re being a martyr.

M: We can climb that fence, it’s only ten feet.

G: Now where are we?

M: I don’t know. I turned off my phone because you said we don’t need Maps.

G: Let’s cross.

M: Do you know where we are?

G: Not really. I have a feeling we go around that way.

M: We’re not going anywhere specific. That’s why you have an endpoint, somewhere to head towards.

G: If you find an end, you’re stuck in duality.

M: God, more philosophical bullshit. Can we just sit down? I want to look at my phone.

G: Fine,

They sit. Mumbles looks at the Maps app on his phone.

G: This is actually a really nice part of town. I’m glad we stumbled into it.

M: I smell sewage.

G: You always have to turn everything into a negative comment.

M: Well earlier it smelled like garbage and now it’s sewage. I guess that’s a step up. I’m very easy going. I’m an easy going person. I don’t like to fight.

G: Yeah, you’re easy going like a sewage barge floating down the river.

M: That’s right. I’m lovable. Like garbage.

G: Especially when you’re insulting me.

M: I’m trying to help you, I figured if you’d listen to all my criticisms, you’d become a better person. Eventually you’ll have the chance to become pretty near perfect.

G: How am I doing so far?

M: You’re resisting. You’re resisting my every attempt at helping you be better.

G: How can I mitigate that?

M: Total submission to all my judgements.

G: Okay, thank you for your elder wisdom.

M: You’re very welcome.

Five.

Standing in line for coffee at Hola Coffee! Mumbles and Gangli recap their adventure.

G: So Mumbles, how was the last two weeks for you?

M: Well, the best part about it is I got through it and it’s just about over.

G: What are you going to do with yourself now that you don’t have me to antagonize you anymore?

M: Continue my quest for the perfect Spider Solitaire game. And I might wallow in self pity in my spare time.

G: I thought you wanted me to wallow in self pity.

M: Well, you’ll do that nicely on your own without my help. You don’t need me to encourage you any more. You’ve passed the test. You’ve learned to enjoy your self pity. Just always understand God’s punishing you for a reason. He never gives you more pain that he knows you can take.

G: Not yet, anyway. Although I’ve come close to reaching that plateau.

M: I’m not feeling inspired today.

G: There’s nothing to feel inspired about. This is it. The end of the road. The end of the story.

M: No, it’s just the beginning. The beginning of a new phase. This is where I continue on but with the knowledge of the person you really are.

G: What’s your major takeaway?

M: I had a lot of delusions.

G: Who did you think I was?

M: No, actually you pretty much lived up to all my expectations.

G: Which are?

M: You like to control things. You like to be in charge. ‘Oh, let’s go to that coffee shop’. Closed. ‘Oh let’s try this restaurant that my friend recommended’. No tables. Anyway whatever we didn’t do is better than what we did.

G: Let’s look on the bright side, we had some fun.

M: I liken this whole trip to that exhibit at the Reina that you didn’t see. The photo of the butt crack.

G: You mean the coin slot? Anyway, I enjoyed the trip. I’ll never forget it.

M: That’s why we have pictures.

G: They last longer.

M: You’ll always remember that line. Too bad I didn’t take a picture of that chocolate dessert.

G: And your beloved chicken cannelloni.

M: And the mackerel.

G: So many good walks.

M: Over twenty five thousand steps on many occasions, often grueling.

G: The Goyas, the Picassos. Artemisia Gentileschi. All the street art.

M: I’m not into the street art. Especially the stencil stuff. I think that’s cheating.

G: I liked that tapas place with the bleu cheese and cider. Contributed nicely to your night farts.

M: It’s getting crowded again. This city will forever be known for the throng and the sweet smell of garbage.

G: Let’s wrap it up then. Anything else you want to say?

M: No.

G: Anything else I want to say? No.

M: We shall go with God back to our little corners of the world and perhaps meet again down the trail.

G: That’s poetic.

M: No it’s not, it’s stupid.

G: Adios, Madrid.

M: Adios.