How many men have come forward and publicly confessed to committing rape or sexual assault?
That was a rhetorical question. We all know the answer. Zero.
In my hypnotherapy practice, there’s a way of clearing trauma called memory reconsolidation. One of my teachers, Courtney Armstrong, uses this approach to collaborate with her clients to rewrite their trauma stories. From her website:
“Recent brain research has revealed new clues to better guide us in the process of resolving traumatic memories. The key lies in creating what is called a mismatch experience, or new meaning experience. The memory network has the capacity to change when we recall the memory and simultaneously evoke a new experience that changes the meaning of the experience. A mismatch experience can be any experience that causes a trauma survivor to feel competent, worthwhile, safe, empowered, or resourceful. Scientists call this process memory reconsolidation.”
Memory reconsolidation is a useful tool for resourcing the deeper mind of clients and clearing away or reframing their relationship to troubling memories so they feel unstuck and can get on with their lives.
“Rewriting memories allows you to update them but the purpose of forgetting is not just so you can clean off the hard drive ... The ability to forget the unpleasant things allows us to create a story about ourselves that we can live with.”
Clearly this approach was designed to alleviate the suffering of victims of trauma and PTSD but a twisted thought occurred to me — what if men could conveniently “forget” their rape or sexual assault stories and thus “clean off the hard drives”. Not as victims, as perpetrators. What if men could successfully bury “the unpleasant things” that allowed them to create a story about themselves, a story they could “live with”?
Have men who have committed crimes of rape or sexual assault consciously or unconsciously buried or erased memories so deeply embedded, perhaps hidden, that it would take a situation akin to walking to their own execution to allow that implicit memory to surface? I thought of Sean Penn in the film Dead Man Walking. In case you forget the plot or haven’t seen it, here’s the simple storyline:
Matthew Poncelet (Penn) is sentenced to death for raping a teenage girl and killing her and her boyfriend. He insists he’s innocent and that someone else committed the crime. Poncelet asks Sister Helen Prejean (Susan Sarandon) to be his spiritual advisor. Just minutes before he is taken from his cell to be executed, Poncelet comes clean to Sister Helen admitting he raped the girl and killed the couple.
The intriguing aspect of the film is that we almost believe that Poncelet didn’t do it throughout most of the story as he consistently maintains his innocence. Is it because he actually believes it (memory reconsolidation) or because he’s lying?
The Epstein Island Fellas.
Are these men all Matthew Poncelets? After all, what kind of world do they maintain? A culture of endless war and unbridled late stage capitalism, all in the name of God and country? Causing pain and suffering to the marginalized, to citizens of other countries through starvation sanctions, drone attacks and regime change? Now genocide.
At the end of Dead Man Walking, Poncelet appeals to the boy’s father for forgiveness and tells the girl’s parents he hopes his death brings them peace. The murdered boy’s father attends the execution still filled with hate, but shortly after begins to pray with Sister Helen thus wrapping up a rather moving redemption tale. Here’s another, perhaps harder question, is it even possible for men to come clean? You can guarantee that guilty or not, men will deny any responsibility. What if they all came forward and admitted to the crimes they’ve been accused of? What then? Would there be any form of redemption available to them at that point? Could we then even consider Sister Helen’s intentions with Poncelet. The fact is, she stuck with him to the bitter end and he committed horrible violent crimes.
Are there even any “Epstein Files” left to be revealed. Wouldn’t it be logical the guilty men behind all this would destroy any and all evidence? Another form of reconsolidation?
I wonder why men have so much trouble taking responsibility for causing pain to others and how they so easily move on with their lives, often reimagined as heroes by the culture. How can the now liberal hero and artist George W. Bush live with himself after decimating Iraq, murdering hundreds and thousands of innocent people? How does liberal Nobel winner and peacenik Barack Obama sleep at night knowing he destroyed Libya and ordered countless drone strikes? What can we even say about Biden, Trump and Netanyahu who are responsible for one of the worst attacks against humanity in my lifetime? For those of us who have caused any kind of pain to others, wouldn’t it be life-changing to come clean about our actions in order to create a new path for healing?
What if these men were able to state clearly what they did to harm others, without defending their actions or making a case for why they did what they did? What if they could make a commitment to mitigate the consequences of past errors and heal old destructive patterns of behavior? As a friend once reminded me, there’s a difference between making an apology and making amends. Apologies expect forgiveness or a pardon whereas amends sets us on a path to correct our behavior. The commitment is to action, to changing our behaviors without compromising the serenity of those who have been hurt.
The first step is awareness, then to accept it, own it, and ultimately to change it through action and making amends. Wouldn’t it be something if we lived in a world that encouraged this type of responsibility and the possibility of redemption, or even reparations?
There was another scenario pointed out to me. Perhaps what these fellers do is akin to brushing their teeth so their past sins don’t even remain in their memory banks at all. Perhaps their behavior is just normal garden variety predatory guy shit so why would they even give those rapes on Epstein Island a second thought?
Fact is, if you shed away all the layers, all we are is nature and everything else is greed or compassion. Violence or kindness. Hate or not hate.
Memories Can’t Wait
Do you remember anyone here?
No you don’t remember anything at all
I’m sleeping, I’m flat on my back
Never woke up, had no regrets
There’s a party in my mind... And I hope it never stops
There’s a party up there all the time... They’ll
party till they drop
Other people can go home... Everyone else will split
I’ll be here all the time... I can never quit
Take a walk through the land of shadows
Take a walk through the peaceful meadows
Try not to look so disappointed
It isn’t what you hoped for, is it?
There’s a party in my mind... And I hope it never stops
I’m stuck here in this seat... I might not stand up
Other people can go home... Other people can split
I’ll be here all the time... I can never quit
Everything is very quiet
Everyone has gone to sleep
I’m wide awake on memories
These memories can’t wait.
Songwriters: David Byrne / Jerry Harrison