Compass, True North

Love is an embodied acknowledgment of the reality of worth.

The Definition of Remorse

An intention to change by recognizing shortcomings, limitations and faults. Admitting there are parts that violated deepest integrity and inflicted harm. Parts aligned with a self that is unbroken and desires change.

Looking, listening, feeling, touching, intuiting, being present, being fully in the body, caring, loving, holding space. When integrity wanes, we fall out of step with these qualities and lose our way.

Clearing brush for dignity by letting go, turning it over, resisting any temptation to fix or heal, essentially doing nothing. A tremendous gamble but what is there to lose? Well. The old ways keep showing up again and again. A message to place will and love in the care of something else. Like the wind. Nothing to figure out, no results to log, no reins to let go.

Before, I hadn’t fully learned how to discern between love and interference. Before, I hadn’t fully learned how to show affection or support without giving advice or attempting to sway opinions. Then I saw the compass and it read True North.

From this place of deep remorse, I see the humanity and expect nothing in return. No more settling for crumbs, no more cries for help.

I remember what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.

META CONVERSATION

Me: I didn’t know how to show up in the way you wanted me to.

Me: I didn’t own the ways I hurt you and wasn’t there in the ways you needed me.

Me: The story I held is how there was no way to find love based on the damage done.

Me: That’s because when I was a child, my innate tenderness was hijacked by violence and ever since, the rage of abandonment has so often been confused with who I really am.

Me: I feel remorse when I think about how the fractures were never repaired.

Me: What I’m hoping is that it’s not too late to make different choices.

Me: I forgive you.