Bessie

...gave my heart a throb to the bottom of my feet.

The pain came on strong yesterday. The tissues twisting and turning, spasming like crazy. Halfway through season 2 episode 1 of Better Call Saul, my new fixation thanks in part to my brother in law, I had to take a muscle relaxer. These drugs do the trick in my waking state but sleep becomes a tossy turny affair. I woke up groggy and hazy this morning, put Chico’s orange vest on, opened the door and let him run and bark after who knows what. Maybe deer hunters; tis the season. I looked around for my new companion, Bessie the cat, who I picked up at the shelter last night. An act of mercy as well as the welcome addition of another mammalian companion. She was cowering under the couch in the living room, having moved from cowering in a corner of the mudroom. Poor thing, she’s terrified and in full flight and freeze. Doubt she has much fight in her and I’m the only one who faints around here. I let her be but as I started the morning fire, she stealthily darted upstairs. All I saw was a streak of black and white, without the slightest sound. She relocated to a crouched position under a piece of furniture in the hall so I put food and water close-by in case her nervous system allows a respite from high alert. In every encounter, her wide eyes follow my every move and there’s a softness there. I have high hopes she’ll come around and begin to trust me in the days to come. There’s the question of how she and Chico will get on. He has a track record of breaking feline boundaries with his exuberance so time will tell.

I fell asleep on the couch waiting for the kindling to catch which often takes a while when the weather turns and the flu is cold. At one point I opened my eyes to watch the initial flare, perfectly timed. I smiled and fell back into a residual drug induced slumber. At about 9:30 I woke up to a roaring blaze providing a warm hug to the environs, wrapping me in a cozy blanket of presence, something I feel more and more often in my solitude. It’s a coffee first morning for sure so I brewed a pot, leaving the cuppa matcha for later. I sat by the fire and did my NYTimes puzzles; wordle and connections, one of my new morning rituals. I wonder when the Times will put an end to this small delight and start charging people. Then a bunch of texting with family. Hearts all around.

First time alone on this colonialist day of feasting. I am thankful for you all 365 days a year with added bonus of leap year. Sending love from the Catskills from me, Chico and new family member, Bessie the cat.

Bessie is the name given to her at the rescue. I decided to keep it because of the lyrics in Up On Cripple Creek by The Band. Last night I watched the opening minutes of The Last Waltz because it’s comfort food for my soul.

Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me
If I spring a leak, she mends me
I don’t have to speak, as she defends me
A drunkard’s dream if I ever did see one

Levon Helm is referring to Bessie of course, someone he may have met on the road who provided great comfort food for his soul. I’m projecting, of course.

By 10:30 I figured I start doing something. I made my usual “dirt smoothie”, dubbed so by my brother in law. It’s really a prostate smoothie, filled with well researched ingredients with the intention to curb cancer. I like the taste of it but others I’ve made it for are often nonplussed or downright turned off by the consistency. Likely due to the textures of the excess powders, or maybe the avocado.

• Blueberries

• Strawberries

• Brazil nuts

• Walnuts

• Pumpkin seeds

• Chia seeds and/or flax

• Kefir or non dairy probiotic

• Pomegranate juice (pure organic)

• Spirulina

• Green powder (wheatgrass, kale, moringa)

• Turkey tail mushroom powder

• Ashwaganda powder

• Cinnamon

• Two medjool dates

• Cacao powder

• Half an avocado

• Water

One of my grand plans for the day was to bottle tinctures for the Hawthorn berries I harvested six weeks ago. I blended the berries with brandy and they’ve been sitting in Ball jars in the cupboard. Turned out to be really nice heart medicine. I’m a little high on the stuff now and feelings are arising. Later, I’ll begin the process of making hot sauce with the ferments I made from peppers I grew over the summer. Habaneros, Serranos, Lemon Drops, Jalapenos and two or three other varieties I honestly forget. I’m terrible at marking my plants in the garden. My gardening method is mostly instinctual and fly by the seat of my pants. I find it more fun that way and the pepper harvest was prolific this year.

One feeling that’s bubbling up is associated with the memory of how often I’ve gathered folks together for holidays over the years. Then I started remembering how most of my creative projects embodied the same spirit of connection and collaboration. I suppose it’s one of the reasons I’m such a good producer. Part of me wonders if I did all that so I wouldn’t feel left out or lonely. Kind of like I was nipping something in the bud, maybe. Feels like there’s connective tissue there too regarding family and raising kids. Holidays have always conjured a felt sense of belonging as well as a certain lacking. Today, I’m not with either of my kids, which leaves me feeling bereft. As I meander through my day, there’s a tragic element present of wondering what it’s all about. Once upon a time, I had throngs of people around me and, on many occasions, it was because I willed it. Holidays, birthdays, theater companies, film projects, ceremonies. Today, here I am, alone, and I’m okay with it. Yes, there’s some sadness because of the recent divorce. There’s also an awareness that I’ve been a real catalyst of connection throughout my life and for the first time, I’m learning how to connect with myself. It’s bittersweet, sure, but it’s also kind of beautiful.

Today, the pain has subsided substantially. I know why it arrived again, and the good thing is, it seems like I know how to mitigate it more than ever. In the past, I might have been seeking pity or comfort but right now, I’m doing okay, and maybe even more than just okay.

Most of my writing has to do with the central nugget of how my personal journey is a series of feelings moving me through change. From this place, I believe change is the only constant we all have in common. Death is change. Shaking hands with uncertainty is useful sure but I feel embracing death is the key to life. Today has brought me one step closer to that kind of peace. And joy. Imagine if the whole world embraced death, or change. It’s possible the earth would shift on its axis. Is that the collapse we’re all experiencing?

I’m looking forward to Bessie’s emergence.